Friday, December 17, 2010

Frame Of Preference and Perspective Taking

I think I've been pushing myself hard since two years ago not only in academic field but also in other fields. Before I decided to change the way I think and behave to others, I always thought we just only need strong passion and determination to succeed, it was turned out that I was dead wrong -__-.

I learned from the past that I also need to put some intelligence and skills in doing things and not just following other people. When I put my heart and brain into something, the chance for it to be successful would be 85% or more. I know I spoiled myself too much in the past, and let other people do the thinking.

Changing the way I think is hard, not only because I have to dive deeply into things but also lose the sense of self. It was so comfortable to be my own self because it is so easy to be one, yet it was difficult because society do not like useless, spoiled brat. I knew it was wrong to be somebody who I was before and I needed changes, a lot of changes. I did not change because of other people, but because I think it is the right thing to do. Besides that, I also learned to engage in perspective taking and listen to people more.

I hate to admit it that I despised when people called me an ignorant brat T__T, it was so hurtful. But do you know why some people are tend to be ignorant than others? It is because their frame of preferences in seeing the world has shaped them to become ones. Frame of preferences are the contexts in human communication such as culture, the way we raised, past experience, geography, gender and etc. that influence the way we see the world. Some of us are lucky, were raised in huge neighborhood whose residents take care of each other, tend to socialize more and have more experience than others who are socially deprived.

It is not our fault when our frame of preference affecting the way we communicate with others, but once we realize it is affecting us and not doing anything about it then I think it is a serious crime. It is also wrong to call a person an ignorant or  categorize them before you know that person deeply he/she may have different frame of preference than you. Other than that, it is good to engage in perspective taking and listen to people more. I knew I'm not really good at this in the past but I learn how to negotiate with people better.

Oh yeah, now that I've dived deeply into things and have bigger frame of preference I feel better about myself.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

As Ever Still (Lee Hong-Ki) in You're Beautiful

It wasn't supposed to be love
It was never supposed to be
I fooled myself many times before, but my heart keeps on calling you
Before i tried to run away
I tried to push a step away
But even then you were growing bigger inside me

I must love you this much
I must wait for you this much
No matter how much it hurts, my heart can't leave you
There must be one love
My heart won't change
The love I protected for you, now I can tell you everything

Your warm eye expression
Your warm love
You are growing bigger inside me

You must have loved me
You must have waited for me
No matter how much I made you hurt, your heart can't leave me

There must be one love
My heart won't change
The love I protected for you, now I can tell you everything
I love you

Sometimes love, or tears will cause problems for us
I love you, I love you I just need you next to me

I must still love you
I must be waiting for you
I could fool my mind, but not my heart

There must be one love
My heart won't change
The love I protected for you, now I can tell you everything
I love you

(Ahh... Saranghe)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Not So Random..

If you miss me, why don't you say so? I know description of feeling can be cheapen by words, but there's other way to tell me.

**fighting mode: studying Environmental Microbiology -___-

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Fatigue -___-

I hate it when I'm tired I can't do things perfectly.
I'm not the smartest person in RIT, but I'm positive that I'm not stupid.
I'm not the fastest person in doing something, in fact I'm among the slowest.
I'm not the one who knows everything, but I try my best not to ignore any single detail.


After analyzing myself, I think it's possible for me to be successful if I'm smart enough to come out with a plan. I know I'm still lacking confidence and determination.

Lack of confidence: Sometimes, I think I don't deserve to be the best eventhough I know there's a possibility for that. It's like it's hard for me to get out from my comfort zone.

Lack of determination: That's the first thing I said earlier, when I'm tired or nervous (e.g: when answered Gene Regeulation and Micro Viral Genetics questions) it's hard to push myself to do things perfectly. Sometimes, I think I can't push really hard for myself, but I can push myself for other people (the ones I love). I have to admit that I'm not selfish at all, I always think for other people before myself; I think it's stupid of me to do things for them and I didn't get the same things in return. But I can't help it, I feel good when I did something good for others.

**Note: There're people who also help me in the past, I could find myself again and I thank God for that.

For some reason, I feel I need to rationalize myself to overcome these boundaries. I must believe that I can excel in anything I want to do.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Pergilah ke mana sahaja

Antara keagungan cinta ialah kerelaan melepaskan dia pergi

Tapi ada yang lebih agung daripada cinta iaitu Allah

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Jikalau benar saya jatuh cinta

Jikalau benar saya jatuh cinta
Saya ingin jadi bintang yang menerangi dirinya di waktu malam pekat

Jikalau benar saya jatuh cinta
Saya ingin jadi kupu-kupu malam yang menemani tidurnya

Jikalau benar saya jatuh cinta
Saya ingin jadi kucing yang menjaga rumahnya

Jikalau benar saya jatuh cinta
Saya tidak sanggup berpisah darinya

Monday, August 23, 2010

Apa Saja Untukmu.. by KRU

Apa saja untukmu
Tak ku hiraukan waktu
Katakan saja kan ku laksana
Permaisuri kau bertakhta dujiwa
Apa saja untukmu
Ke dasar lautan biru
Bertaruh nyawa andai kau kau damba
Mutiara... di hari lahirmu


Friday, August 20, 2010

Kepulangan balik~

Semalam baru sahaja sampai ke tanah air. Teringat antara perkara yang tak boleh blah saya lakukan ketika dalam flight JFK ke Hong Kong tergelak sakan apabila menonton movie sampai terlanggar org yg duduk di sebelah saye, iaitu lelaki cina yang agak berumur dan kurus. Perkara yang tak boleh blah/cannot go ialah apabila saye tidur di dalam flight kepala saya tend to bend to my right. Guess what? Kepala saye mereng sampai terkena bahu lelaki tersebut. Bila tersedar it's already too late, what I could do at that time was to apologize -__-" Saya rase kepala saya mereng sgt2 ke kanan disebabkan di sebelah kiri saye ade tingkap therefore it was colder and a bit uncomfortable. The same thing happenned in HK-KL flight kepala saya mereng ke kanan in spite of Insyirah ade di sebelah kiri, dan orang itu lelaki berumur tetapi agak gempal sikit; kali ni nasib baik saye sedar awal sikit..huhu. I have to be more careful in the future -___-".
p/s: bersyukur flight lancar dan duduk sebelah orang yang baik siap offer kuih tat lagi :)

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Post from facebook August 11, 2010. I think this is the best post I wrote so far..lol

Memandangkan esok hari first puasa, saya sepatutnya celebrate ramadhan sekurang-kurangnya dengan mendengar ayat-ayat suci Al-Quran dan zikir munajat meskipun saya uzur, tetapi saya melayani anime Bleach. O.k lah lepas ni saya akan start celebrate Ramadhan. Lagi lapan hari saje lagi nak puasa kat Malaysia :D. I can't wait.. Ya Allah panjangkan lah umurku semoga aku dapat merasakan Ramadhan di kampung halamanku.

Esok hari pertama puasa menandakan bermulanya Ramadhan tetapi fikiran dan jiwa ini diganggu oleh lumrah perasaan. Tiba-tiba hari ini saya terdengar nama orang yang benci saya, saya pun benci dia; sejak hari itu dialah orang yang paling saya benci sampai terdengarkan namanya hati saya bergetar, takut, sedih, dan putus asa apatah lagi melihat wajahnya. Saya sedaya upaya menjauhi daripada dilihat dan melihat dia.. saya rasa saya perlu pergi lebih jauh lagi..tinggalkan perasaan ini. Ya Allah berilah kekuatan..kenapa kebencian ini muncul juga di bulan mulia ini. Mampukah aku memaafkan, hati ini milik Engkau hidupku ini juga untuk Engkau.. akan kucuba sedaya upaya kukumpul segala kekuatan.

Sudah lama dilanda derita, "monsoon" lah orang pertama yang dapat merawat jiwa. Just because he mentioned the monsoon word once, I decided to call him monsoon..but we didn't have any real conversation. I don't have to look at him to be happy, as long I can feel his presence I'll be happy :). Even monsoon don't know that I call him as monsoon. Apparently, monsoon will only come once in my life, and I always waste it by avoiding him and not making real conversation. I don't want him to leave but he doesn't know that I don't want him to leave. He will go anyways..and I'll tell myself not droning on his leaving later.

Thank you for sending him Ya Rabb eventhough I know this will not be forever..

Semoga Ramadhan jadi pengubat luka, mendekatkan diri pada yang Esa. Panjangkan umurku sehingga dapat kutunai Rukun Islam kelima, ingin ku berdoa di sana agar kau kan temukanku sebaik-baik jodoh, hanya engkau sajalah yang tau yang terbaik untukku. Temukan aku dengan si Dia yang membimbing jalan ke syurga dan yang berbakti kepada ibu dan bapa.. Amin Ya Rabbal alamin.

Hari Putus Asa..

Hari ini saye dgn gigihnya bangun semula pada pukul 8.40 a.m untuk pergi ke lab to dilute my overnight culture and loading it into reverse assay tubes and in the evening I have to take the RLU readings; RLU stands for Relative Light Units and do seven dilutions for each tubes (total 63 tubes) and plate the solution to test the viability of bacteria in each samples. Disebabkan malas menunggu bas, saya berjalan kaki ke building 8. Untuk pergi ke building 8, saya harus melalui Grace Watson, SAU and library; tetapi laluan di kawasan-kawasan ini ditutup disebabkan construction. Saye berjaye masuk building Grace Watson tetapi terpakse melalui jalan hutan yang akhirnye tembus di kawasan SAU. SAU sebenarnye sangat dkt dengan building 8; pun begitu disebabkan kawasan construction yang besar di hadapan building 8, saya tidak boleh terus cross to building 8. Saya kemudian dengan langkah seorang detektif masuk ke dalam bangunan SAU melalui pintu belakang, di mana saya rasa kakitangan SAU masuk; kalau lalu dari depan SAU tidaklah saya dapat masuk ke dalam bangunan tersebut, jika saya sudah lalu pintu hadapan tidaklah dapat saya melompat ke belakang dari jambatan yang amat tinggi; jika lompat juga maka patahlah tulang belakang saya yang lembut ini. Setelah berjaya menyelusup ke dalam bangunan tersebut, saya keluar dari situ dengan bangganya dan meneruskan perjalanan ke building melalui kawasan library. Sebaik sahaja saya mahu masuk ke building 8, saya ditegur oleh pakcik yang ramah yang berkata, "Hello, good morning young lady. How're you?" dengan agak laju seperti tidak mahu saya mencelah. Arakian,  saya ditanya adakah saya ingin masuk ke dalam building 8, saya berkata ya saya ingin masuk. Tetapi nasib tidak menyebelahi saya hari ini, pakcik itu memberitahu building 8 tidak boleh dimasuki angkara kerja-kerja floor waxing. Insan normal akan menangis terbahak-bahak apabila mendengar perkhabaran buruk itu, tetapi saya tidak merasa begitu kecewa agaknya gembira lalu di kawasan hutan sorang-sorang dan menyelusup ke dalam bangunan. Pun begitu, saya harus balik ke rumah dengan berjalan kaki...ada basikal senang sikit. Arakian, saya meminta diri dahulu tidak sabar rasa hati untuk ke iftar hari ini. Semoga berjumpa kembali di lain waktu..... I like when Yunho color his hair black because it looks so sleek against his porcelain skin. I also like him wearing black..his look is beyond cool.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

So random..

Since I'm taking writing class this quarter, I figured blogging might be the best way to practice organizing my thoughts especially in clarifying how I feel in some situations. I don't know if other people feel the same way too but it is somehow hard for me to explain my feelings in words when my thoughts are disorganized and scattered. It happened a lot of time when people asking for clarification why I acted strange lately, I just couldn't tell why and also couldn't tell the feelings associated with the change of my behavior.

I got the inspiration to write when I woke up this morning, and the first thought that came across my mind; I think I am being surrounded with people who don't really like me. How suffering was that when the negative thought was the first thing that came into your mind, which might affect your whole day. I don't know if I should blame on hormone changes that intensify this feeling/thought, but at the back of my head there's always a voice keep telling me this might be true.

For most of us pinpointing everyone else's weakness is easy. For example, I could pinpoint somebody's weakness is her tendency to act based on "suspiciousness" (sorry, I couldn't think of better term this morning) and her harsh accusation could certainly  hurt innocent people who haven't adapt to her attitude daring attitude. Besides that, somebody's weakness that I could pinpoint is her lack of time appreciation (I wish I could come with better words) that sometimes affect somebody else's schedule who appreciate their time more; this is not only my schedule that I am talking about. In addition to that, there is also somebody else's weakness that I could pinpoint is his tendency to give up on something which also sometimes affect the people he worked with.

How's it feel when somebody tell your weakness? Do you feel angry?betrayed?..do you feel terrible because your attitude affecting everyone else?.. or are you resistant towards any criticism given to you? The point is we always have something that we hate in somebody, but is it o.k to hate people for who they are? The answer is up to you. But for me, it is not o.k to hate people just because they not good at something.

Talking about somebody else's weakness, I also have accumulated my own weaknesses which might be the reasons people don't like me. Some of the reasons I figured from somebody else who I think might or might not hate me actually. I think the reason people don't like me because I have low energy level who might not fun to have around. Besides that, they also told me I don't care about what everyone think and feel about me; well I actually care about people around me, it's just I don't want to show I really care about you ;P I don't know if there anybody think the same too, but I think I like to brag and sometimes I can be quite blunt. 

For the mistakes I've ever done to all of you that make you hate me, I apologize.